Fairness For Dummies
by Mr Obscenity
Summary: "Yes, that seems," Yoji couldn't help but let out a dry laugh as he spoke the next word, "fair."
1. You smell funny

Yoji pulled the sheets up to his chest, turning his face to the brunette boy beside him. "Natsuo, I love you. And real love is all about keeping the person you care for-" He paused for a second, then turned his face to the camera, not bothering to hide his smile, "Wait, what was it again?"

The director wearily repeated the line for the eleventh time that morning. "Safe. _Because real love is about keeping the person you care for safe._"

Natsuo let out a short laugh, "But of course you wouldn't know that, Yoji."

Yoji smirked playfully and inched closer to the laughing brunette. "Say one more thing like that and I really will take your ears."

The director cleared his throat.

Yoji took his place again. But not without the use of a few choice phrases.

"We're on in 3, 2, 1-"

Yoji pulled the sheets up to his chest, turning his face to the brunette boy beside him. "Natsuo, I love you. And real love is all about keeping the person you care for safe." That's when Yoji whipped out the box. "Shisikai condoms. Real protection for… real lovers?" Yoji threw back his head and howled. "My god, you guys need to get yourself a better slogan."

The director shook his head and groaned.

Yoji smiled unapologetically and returned to the starting position.

"We're on in 3, 2, 1-"

Yoji pulled the sheets up to his chest, turning his face to the brunette boy beside him. "Natsuo, I love you. And real love is all about keeping the person you care for safe," whipping out the box with exaggerated flair he continued, "Shisikai condoms. Real protection- for a real fucking." Natsuo and Yoji both all but fell off the bed laughing.

"Listen, if you two can't take this seriously-"

Natsuo paid no heed. "Real protection, for real men like Mr. Director here who's probably still waiting to grow some hair on his…"

"**IF YOU TWO DO NOT KNOCK IT OFF, YOU'RE FIRED.**"

The two boys whined in protest and then finally returned to their starting positions.

"We're on in 3, 2, 1-"

Just before the camera started, the two boys exchanged a quick look.

The director really should've seen this coming.

Yoji pulled the sheets up to his chest, turning his face to the brunette boy beside him. "Natsuo, I love you. And real love is all about keeping the person you care for-" at this, he turned his head toward the camera and smiled devilishly, "ah, fuck it. Come over here and take it up the ass like a man!" Yoji tackled Natsuo down onto the bed.

"**DON'T MAKE ME FIRE YOU!**"

Yoji took a moment to raise his hands in feigned innocence. "Ah, but we're not making you do anything."

Natsuo's voice came from somewhere underneath Yoji. "He's right, if anyone's making anyone do anything it's Yoji. If someone doesn't stop him soon…" He laughed. "Too late."

"**I AM WARNING YOU!"**

The two boys froze. Slowly, they turned to face the director, their eyes staring back into his with a look that could hardly be misinterpreted.

Natsuo's eyes seemed to have grown unnaturally wide as he began to laugh. "Do you hear that Yoji?" There was something about his laugh that the director wasn't so sure he liked.

"I hear Natuso." Yoji could barely get his words out, he was laughing so hard. "Mr. Director here is…" He had to take a few breaths to continue on, "he's warning _us_."

The two boy's impish laughter grew even louder.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Natsuo?"

The two boys stopped for a moment, an unbreakable silence seemed to envelop the room as they stared wordlessly into each other's eyes. Yoji's eyes gleamed. Natsuo smiled. "Mr. Director is jealous!" They said in unison, before erupting in more disarming laughter, this time even louder than before. If that was possible.

"Oh, don't be that way Director-san." Laughed Yoji.

"Yeah, it doesn't have to be that way." Natsuo did his part, as usual.

"Natsuo's right. Just because you can't get any…"

"That's right. Just because you still have your ears…"

"Just because you're an old man-"

Natsuo cut in. "Actually, at first glance, I thought he was an old woman."

The cameraman seemed to find this last comment particularly funny.

"So, as you can see, director, you've got no reason to be jealous."

"No, none at all."

"Director-san, I'll tell you what. If you stop being annoying right now, we might just let you come up here and see what a real man looks like."

The director's face was as red as a tomato.

"**THAT'S IT! YOU'RE FIRED!**"

This was one of those rare occasions where Yoji actually stopped what he was doing for once and took the time to actually look the person he was talking to straight in the eye. This was never a good sign. "If it's really safety this company cares about…"

Natsuo finished his partner's statement with much too big of a smile for such words. "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

The zero boy's disarming smiles widened as the director pointed to the door.

Yoji cocked an eyebrow. "You sure do have a lot of balls for an old woman."


	2. Mmmmm coffee icecream

It wasn't until hours later that the zero boys emerged from the recording studio. From the looks on their faces they seemed quite proud of themselves. This, like many other things about the duo, was never a good sign.

Natsuo was the first to break the silence. "What a day."

"Yes, terrorizing the world… it's not as easy as people tend to think." Yoji raised a hand to stifle a yawn.

"What a boring place we live in. Even causing mayhem becomes a chore."

"Yeah, boring."

Yoji smiled wryly. "Then it's a good thing I have you around to keep me busy." With that, he put his arms around Natsuo's neck and drew him in gently. The moment seemed to go by ever so slowly as Natsuo's arms wrapped themselves around Yoji's waist so naturally. Just as Natsuo's lips fit around the other boy's so perfectly. They were made for each other. It was as simple as that.

With the pounding of the red head's heartbeat against his own and the feeling of Natsuo's arms wrapped tightly around him like a blanket, Yoji felt something he had never felt before. At first he couldn't quite place it, but when he did, he realized it was his favorite feeling in all the world. Incidentally, it was also the feeling that later he would deny ever feeling. Because he knew that feeling it made him vulnerable. But for the moment all that didn't matter. Natsuo rested his head on the green-haired boy's shoulder as utter completeness enveloped them both. Yoji let his eyes flutter closed. _Safe. _Yoji felt safe.

Natsuo jumped back, his eyes wide. "Yojiiii!"

Yoji's eyes sprang open. "What?" He asked as nonchalantly as he could, trying his best to hide the fact that his cheeks had turned the slightest shade of pink. Despite his efforts, his voice came out a bit flustered.

"Your shirt!"

Yoji looked down towards his chest as his eyes widened in horror. _A bloodstain!_ "What the fuck?"

Natsuo's voice chimed in sympathetically. "It must've been that bastard director…"

Yoji's eyes narrowed. "I'm going to go back there and kill him all over again."

"No."

Yoji cocked an inquisitive eyebrow. "No?"

"No." Natsuo couldn't help but laugh at the funny look on Yoji's face. It looked as if Yoji had never been told no before. "We should just go kill all the members of his immediate family instead." There was something far too non-joking about the way he made this statement.

Yoji sighed. "While we're at it we might as well kill the extended family too." Still far too non-joking.

"Including all the ones who have already died, of course." At this, Natsuo's face broke out into a grin. It was about time.

However Yoji's face remained all the more serious as he looked down at his stained shirt in dismay.

It was then a light bulb went off in Natsuo's head. "Stain stick!"

"What?" He asked absentmindedly, his eyes remaining glued to the red splotch. _That filthy old woman… _

"Stain stick!"

"What?" Yoji asked, failing to make the connection. He was obviously not thinking clearly at this point.

After all, clothing stains were rather traumatic experiences.

Natsuo said grabbed the green-haired boy's hand and dragged him along behind him without another word.

As they walked Yoji's eyes remained fixed on the stain. He had never gotten a stain on his clothes. Not ever. Not one. He was normally so careful… he made a mental note never to use a digital recorder as a weapon again.

"We're here!" Natsuo's voice erupted full force centimeters away from Yoji's face, interrupting his partner's thoughts.

Rubbing his ears, Yoji wondered how it was possible for so much noise to come out of a single person's mouth. The big, fluorescent letters above their heads announced their message almost blindingly. RITE AID.

Yoji's mouth hung open dumbly, still failing to connect the dots.

Clothing stains seemed to be a very traumatic ordeal indeed.

"Let's go, let's go." Yoji felt himself being dragged into the store by a strangely cheerful Natsuo. "I love Rite Aid. You can find everything in here. Cigarettes. Razor blades. Cat litter-"

The redheaded boy would've continued to go on about the wonders of Rite Aid but Yoji stopped him with a dubious cock of an eyebrow. "Cat litter?"

Natsuo's disarmingly large smile grew even wider. "If you mix cat litter with frozen orange juice concentrate you can make napalm."

At the mention of napalm, Yoji's expression grew at least three shades brighter.

"Stain stick, stain stick, stain stick…" Natsuo scanned the labels above the aisles. "Ah, stain stick, shaving gel, tampons. That's the one." All the good the cat litter explanation had done to Yoji's mood was snatched away at the mention of tampons.

Natsuo dragged a somewhat nauseated looking Yoji into aisle nine to begin their search. After finally locating the official stain stick area, the zero boys realized the search had only just begun.

Natsuo's mouth hung wide open, "But which brand?"

Yoji wrinkled his nose. "Take the Clorox. It's farther away from the vagisil." Yoji seemed to have an uncanny fear of feminine sanitary products.

A rather chubby woman behind them decided to make it her business. "I read somewhere that Clorox conducts inhumane tests on animals."

The zero boy's expressions visibly brightened as they snatched Clorox off the shelf and made their way back to the entrance, both their minds brimming with happy thoughts of some far-off rabbit getting his eyes sewn shut.


	3. yaaay nipple rings

_Thud._

Dominic Servantes jolted inadvertently at the sudden noise, dropping the magazine he had been so engrossed in reading to the floor. He looked up to see two girls looking at him from over the counter where a container of stain stick sat. He sat there for a moment, slightly stunned, looking at the pair. After all, they were pretty cute...

"Well?" The girl with long green hair tapped her foot impatiently.

He realized he had been staring. The other girl, this one a redhead, began to giggle every time their eyes met. Noticing this, her friend nudged her with an elbow.

Blushingly slightly, Dominic scanned the item and asked the question all employees were required to ask. "Is there anything else I can get for you ladies?"

If the green-haired person hadn't been irritated before, they sure were now. "Uh… we're not ladies."

The red-head was laughing again.

Thinking he had caught his mistake, the salesclerk spoke rather quickly. "Oh, girls, then."

The first girl's eyes narrowed.

The second merely doubled-over laughing.

Nontheless, the next word was spoken in unison.

"_**Girls?!**_"

"You're not… girls?"

Now the green-haired individual couldn't help but laugh too. "This coming from the guy reading _Cosmogirl._"

Dominic felt his face heat up as he shifted his gaze down to the fallen magazine at his feet. He stuttered uncomfortably, "I'm sorry. I just thought… I mean… you both have very feminine characteristics." He said this good-naturedly as some sort of compliment, but as soon as the words came out of his mouth he realized how ridiculous they sounded. He groaned inwardly. _Could this situation get any worse?!_

Dominic Servantes, employee of the month of Rite Aid, obviously had never met the zero boys.

The green-haired boy let out a short laugh. "God, what are you on?"

His friend had something to add, as usual. "Yeah, Yoji, we should get our hands on whatever he's taken."

The boy called Yoji looked up at the cashier's face, examining him as if he were a rather annoying bug. "Natsuo, his face is almost the color of your hair now," he remarked, amusement all but dripping from his smiling eyes.

The poor cashier wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball underneath their speculating gazes.

"Why, yes it is, Yoji. A few more shades and he might just surpass our friend, the director."

Unsure of what else to do, Dom spoke up, his voice coming out more than a little bit flustered. "Th-the price comes to five dollars and fifty cents."

Natsuo looked at Yoji.

Yoji looked at Natsuo.

Dom didn't like what he saw on their faces one bit.

Yoji was the first to speak up. "Does it look like we have pockets, boy?"

A now all-too-familiar voice piped in. "Yeah, how about lowering the price, say…" The red-head pretended to think over his proposition carefully. "Five dollars and fifty cents? That sounds reasonable to me. How about you, Yoji?"

"Yes, that seems," he couldn't help but let out a dry laugh as he spoke the next word, "_fair._"

The flustered cashier slowly backed away. "N-no, I re-really can't do that. E-ven if I wanted to-"

Natsuo cut in. "Oh, you're going to want to." The devious grin on his face was wider than a jack-o-lantern's on Halloween.

"Yes," Dominic felt a hand grab at his shirt. "By the time we're through with you…" Yoji simply smiled.

It's funny how even a smile, if given in a certain way, can send chills down a person's spine. Our poor cashier was slowly learning this from experience.

Eyes wide, Dom tried to back up farther but found himself held back by Yoji's iron grip.

"Not so fast."

"Yeah, there's no hurry."

"You see, we've only just begun," The green-haired youth's disarming gaze drifted down to Dom's nametag, "_Dominic Servantes_."

There was something about the way Yoji's voice spoke his name that made him feel uncomfortable. Not exactly sleepy but… All of a sudden, his limbs began to feel terribly heavy. Yoji's smug face made its way closer to his. He was about to raise his hand to push those mischevious eyes away when- His hand! He couldn't move it! Frantically, he tried to move his arms, but found them held down, pinned to him by some unseen force. Cold sweat rolled down his forehead and into his eyes. It was all he could do not to soil himself. Standing there, with Yoji's steadily widening grin inches from his face, he was completely powerless. "_What are you?_"

Natsuo and Yoji simply stood there, looking back at him, the perfect picture of mischief.

"We are…" Yoji began, his smile as big as ever.

"Zero." Natsuo finished.

Dominic would have been shaking. If he could move. "P-please! Let me go!"

"Ah, what's the rush?" Yoji pouted.

"Just when we were starting to have such fun." Natsuo brushed away an imaginary tear.

"Believe me. You're not going to want to miss what we have in store."

The redhead flashed a smile. "He's right."

"It's going to be such…" Yoji licked his lips thoughtfully. "What's that word again, Natsuo?"

"_Fun._" Dominic had heard that word plenty of times before that day. However, out of all the times he had heard it used, it had never sounded quite the way Natsuo had just spoken it.

"But-"

Natsuo cut Dominic's pitiful wail off. "But what?"

"But this isn't fair!"

The whole store seemed to fall silent at that word. _Fair._The zero boy's smiles vanished suddenly, erased by that one word. Any other word imaginable would have been a better choice.

The uncomfortable silence was broken by Natsuo's recitation. "Fair: free from bias, dishonesty, or injustice." It sounded as if these two had had this conversation many times before. "I don't like it." The redhead's voice seemed to suddenly grow very sharp.

"Me neither."

"Without dishonesty there'd be no honesty. Without injustice there would be no need for justice. And bias… who's to say what bias is?"

Yoji picked up where Natsuo had left off. "The idea of "fair" is determined from a person's viewpoint. See," Yoji took a moment from his speech to pull a knife forth from below his shirt and rest it on Dominic's neck. "See, I could slit your throat so easily right now. I have the means to do it. I have the power. Therefore it's fair for me to kill you. To you though…" There was a certain sparkle in the corner of his eye as the boy admired the gleaming blade next to the cashier's dark skin. "To you, that hardly seems fair."

"You see, there's no such thing as fair." Natsuo concluded as a college professor might end a lecture.

Dominic's lip began to quiver, and to Yoji's utmost amusement he noticed a tear fall from one of his victim's wide eyes. "Please I-I'll do anything."

The zero boys simply stood there looking anything but impressed.

Dominic continued on, "Any-anything you ask. I pr-om-omise."

Yoji rolled his eyes. "How pitiful."

"Yeah, pitiful." Natsuo emphasized his agreement with a shake of his head.

The two boys stood there. It looked as if, for once, the zero boys honestly didn't know what to do. There would have been complete silence if it were not for Dominic's constant whimpering.

"Oh, stop that annoying sound. We might just let you live yet." Yoji sounded depressed.

Dominic suddenly became completely silent, except for the occasional sniffle now and then. If he could, he would have sucked every last tear back into his eyes at those words.

Noticing the relieved expression on the clerk's face, Natsuo quickly added. "Although we really should kill you, you being so annoying and all …"

Dominic's eyes resumed their now familiar widened positions.

Slowly, the corners of Yoji's mouth twisted themselves into a grin. "But then we'd have to buy a hell of a lot of more stain stick."

With that, Natsuo snatched up the Clorox and began to make his way to the exit. At the door, he noticed Yoji wasn't with him.

He turned around, just a second too late to see Yoji pocket a Snickers bar and wave his knife at the cashier one last time. "Uh… we're taking this too."

THE END.

Ah shit.

I just realized that this is my third chapter and I haven't written a disclaimer even once.

So

Maybe if I say it three times…

Heh.

Disclaimer: I do not own Loveless. It is the property of Yun Kouga.

Disclaimer: I do not own Loveless. It is the property of Yun Kouga.

Disclaimer: I do not own Loveless. It is the property of Yun Kouga.

…

but, as a matter of fact, I _do_ own Yun Kouga.

THE END.

Really.

You've finally reached the end of this fanfic.

[How sad

Now…

Go back to the beginning and read it all over again XD


End file.
